My Art and Mental Health

Here's a little background. Yes, I usually struggle quietly with my mental health but for this I had a want, or maybe need, to share it with you. Mental health is a touchy subject and there's not anyone outside of my husband that I have mentioned this to before, and even though I haven't been brave enough to be formally diagnosed outside of some emergency sessions with a Psychologist, I show signs of PTSD as a result of happenings in my childhood. Even as I type this my heart rate is accelerating a little. 

Now, I can almost pinpoint the reason for my downward spiral with my mental health. My son was sick for five days, I caught it and my husband (understandably) isolated to ensure he didn't get sick as well. This left me trying to attend to my son, while unwell myself, trying to keep on top of housework, keep everyone fed and work (I did take a sick day from work but went back before my son was 100%). The weather wasn't at all fantastic so there was no lovely sunny days to brighten myself or help with the washing.... You get the picture. It's a lot of mental and emotional black, and my mind ended up spiralling further down dark rabbit holes.

This has been one of my harder weeks to pull through and if I am honest, I am still feeling the waves (less pushy) but there, making it hard to feel the positive in things - I can see them, but getting them to translate to a feeling inside of me is hard and it is disconcerting. Sometimes time helps and other times it is a moment where another just seems to be put there right when you need them. 

It was happenstance that I stayed a little longer talking to the shop owner when I was dropping in some stock. A lady came in enquiring about an artist from a shop just as I was leaving and it was me. Me she was looking for. Her face lit up and she talked so brightly about my art, my fantails, how beautiful it all was... The delight on her face and excitment in her voice got through to me on that day. It brightened me inside a little and, who knows, she may see this, but if not, she will never know how much I needed that. 

The following day I was feeling brave enough to work on my paintings again. In all that time previously I have not picked up my brush, and you must understand - painting is what quiets my mind. It gives me a reprieve from the storm that sometimes rages in my head. But even though it helps heal me, or keeps me well, I am afraid to put brush to paper when I am under. And this is why: 

How much darker has this painting come out because I wasn't fully out of the storm. And you know what? This, for a moment, had me feeling sad. I did not intend for the little rabbit to be painted so dark. I wanted her bright, lite and happy. I was struggling with the fur so just kept at it again, and again, even adding more ink to try create a more fur look. When I came up for air, sat back and looked at what I had been working on my heart sank. Should I start again? How many hours wasted if I do? Can I grow to like this piece regardless? 

Now this is where some of my healing and strength comes in. I chastised myself and said, sleep on it, give it some time to sink in. I am glad I did becauce even though my dark slump has been imbued into this painting I don't dislike it. The bunny kind of reminds me of chocolate, and I really like chocolate.

I know others will not be able to see so much of this by just looking at this painting and that is why I have been brave today to share it here. I want this out there as a part of my history and growth as a human and artist, for this dark moment in time to be remembered. Should I end up down that path again I can be reminded that I did come out the other end and even though some things were scathed, it's all okay. 

I hope you feel it was okay for me to share this. It is raw. It is me. Please always be kind to yourself and to others where you can. Small moments can make a differnce.